[ It's the easiest affection has ever come for him, this statement. As though it's something he admires about her, plainly stated, and Rey is left wide-eyed and shy in the face of it. From his perspective, perhaps, it makes sense. The struggles she has are dissimilar in every way from his. Where he holds himself back, resists compassion, she seeks it out too violently.
She had so nearly driven him and Keith both away with it.
So he's right, perhaps. The difficult for Rey lies in the fact that her compassion comes too easily, her ache for approval too close to the surface to hide. She's not lonely anymore, but she's instead grappling with a constant fear of losing that and going back to the way things were. He, instead, tries to hold himself back so there's never anything to lose. The same rationale, presented differently. ]
That doesn't mean I'm not afraid. I still don't know what I'm doing.
[At least, when it came to him -- it was easier knowing that they were both clueless and trying to figure out this whole thing. He gets the idea that what is going on between himself and Rey wasn't something that was supposed to happen in this place, even if he could imagine no other way.
The facility wanted them to lack connection, to just get down to business with nothing encouraging them to do so except food poison.]
[ Whether other people think so or not. Whether this facility is designed or intended for that or not. She pulls back to look up at him, searching for understanding that she wants to find there.
It's been some time since she's done what she did in that hut on Ahch-to, laid it all out before him. They've been so hung up in the push and pull of how to open up to one another at all. But he's right — it comes more easily to her than to him. She finds the vocabulary easily now, in this moment. ]
I keep messing up. With you, with Keith, with Poe. It's easier to connect to people than it is to stay connected. [ There's something strangled in her voice, and she blinks quickly. Any actual watery quality in her eyes is blurred out, lost in the lingering damp from the shower. ] I don't want to be left again.
Has it occurred to you that you cannot connect to the entire galaxy?
[It seems obvious to him, but of course it is -- he connected to no one, at any time, except for her. He has the presence of mind to recognize that, even if he doesn't understand why she feels this need to connect.
They were both lonely. But one was enough for him. She couldn't get enough of it. Was she hoping there was enough to fill the void, when even one person left? He can't begin to guess.
All he can do is look at her and struggle to find some way to comfort her. But he shares her fears, in some minuscule way. Only one person needs to leave him for him to be miserable.]
I only left because...
[How does he put this into words without actually admitting he was afraid? He can't, really -- but he doesn't want to admit it. So he doesn't use that exact phrasing.]
--I wanted to protect myself from it. From what you are trying to avoid.
[ There's no masking the ping of surprise that flickers in the bond, that widens her eyes. Not from him. She tries to move on from it quickly instead, not wanting to let it scare him off. But she can't help it. She has spent so much time wheedling honest discussion out of him, prodding at him to share in exactly this way, that she it stunned to hear him do it willingly.
And so honestly, about something so fraught.
She nods her understanding, a softness in her features. She knew that, of course. In a way. Most of what Kylo Ren does is to protect himself from some fear or another — she has deduced this about him handily even without the aid of the bond. He is a creature built of fear. Any time he surfaces, smothering Ben Solo, it is because that fear has won.
It's hard to blame him for that. But it's also not something she has to put up with. She's worth more than his fear. She has embraced that truth now. ]
But you came back.
[ That's what counts. That's what she chooses to concentrate on, just like with Finn. They had both left her, succumbed to a bone-deep fear, and they had both returned. Like she had wasted her life wishing her parents would. ]
[Something about that feels like a slap, even though the logical part of his illogical brain says otherwise. She wasn't unhappy that he hadn't stuck to his guns. He feels it as a weakness, but as Rey had already advised him -- it wasn't. That was the Dark Side talking.
As much as the Dark was apart of him, it didn't control him. He was determined to keep that line drawn.]
For you. Yes.
[That's a line worth drawing. If it had been anyone else, he would not have come back.]
[ She kisses him. It's a girlish thing, all gratitude and understanding and savoring this moment of closeness. It would be better spent in a bed, where their wobbly legs did not have to support them, and the cold aftermath of the shower didn't prickle their skin, forcing her to stave off a constant shiver. In that way, she almost misses Drakstaden and the comfort of a space that was truly theirs.
But this is good too.
It's a soft kiss, lingering but not a solicitation. Just … content. Rejoicing in the way she feels appreciated and valued in that moment. His coming back had meant accepting her as she is, not as the thing he had incidentally twisted her into.That's a powerful thing.
When she draws back from the kiss, she slides her heel back and stops, surprised by something. She turns her head to look down and disentangles from him to pick up what is a
clear rubber mat that had been at some point pushed aside. It's probably a Jackson Pollock painting under blacklight, and she should probably wash her hands after touching it even at the edge (she won't), but here it is. A mat that would have likely done them many favors if they had just taken their time to go at it.
Her hip joints are screaming their protest. All of that effort for nothing.
For her part, Rey just laughs. None of that seems to matter much right now. It's, if anything, emblematic of their hunger for one another that they hadn't stopped to notice that it had simply been pushed aside and forgotten. ]
[The kiss is returned, but not in the same hungry way he'd chased everything before that. Its much more awkward, but its for her benefit more than his own -- and that is a strange concept to him. So while they kiss, he digests that.
Its fine, actually. He's almost at a loss when she pulls back. But then she hits the mat, and Rey's laugh brings a flicker of amusement across his face. Its much a quieter display than her own, but no less genuine. But Kylo Ren also senses that if he doesn't start to move him, then they will be there all day.
And for as much as Rey wants to stay at this distance forever, he can only handle so much contact in one day. He also wants to lay down before his legs completely give out from under him. He doesn't even want to think about how he is going to feel tomorrow morning.
He reaches out briefly to make sure they hadn't obtained company while they were lingering before stepping out of the stall and extending his hand to Rey with the intention of leading her out. If their clothes weren't try, he'd just wear them wet back to his room. He could probably hide form his roommate for long enough to let the rest of the moisture escape, or something.]
[ She folds her towel around herself fully and properly, keeping it up with a novel tuck made familiar to her in that room in Drakstaden, and then takes his hand. What once felt like reaching across a valley, fighting across some impossible barrier, has become pedestrian now. She holds his hand with the kind of ordinary comfort that anyone might, not two enemies on opposite sides of a war.
That great divide will return, she's sure. She doesn't need to worry about it while it's not here. She'd rather stay present in the moment, enjoying what she is given. Perhaps that's the same starved child logic that had led her to ingest the aphrodisiacs during the feast that knight previous, but it has served her well for most of her life. Keep the good things while they're good and don't count on them being there tomorrow.
The dryer is still running when they get to it, but the timer is low, so Rey opens it up anyway and starts disentangling his clothes from hers. She relocates her useless and torn breast binding in the process and casts it aside on top of the machine. While she gets dressed some part of her brain is like repair it, repair it but the other part of her brain is like in the Headquarters you could have just walked into a shop and gotten another, it's probably fine. She'll leave it there, forgotten, when they leave.
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no subject
She had so nearly driven him and Keith both away with it.
So he's right, perhaps. The difficult for Rey lies in the fact that her compassion comes too easily, her ache for approval too close to the surface to hide. She's not lonely anymore, but she's instead grappling with a constant fear of losing that and going back to the way things were. He, instead, tries to hold himself back so there's never anything to lose. The same rationale, presented differently. ]
That doesn't mean I'm not afraid. I still don't know what I'm doing.
no subject
[At least, when it came to him -- it was easier knowing that they were both clueless and trying to figure out this whole thing. He gets the idea that what is going on between himself and Rey wasn't something that was supposed to happen in this place, even if he could imagine no other way.
The facility wanted them to lack connection, to just get down to business with nothing encouraging them to do so except food poison.]
no subject
[ Whether other people think so or not. Whether this facility is designed or intended for that or not. She pulls back to look up at him, searching for understanding that she wants to find there.
It's been some time since she's done what she did in that hut on Ahch-to, laid it all out before him. They've been so hung up in the push and pull of how to open up to one another at all. But he's right — it comes more easily to her than to him. She finds the vocabulary easily now, in this moment. ]
I keep messing up. With you, with Keith, with Poe. It's easier to connect to people than it is to stay connected. [ There's something strangled in her voice, and she blinks quickly. Any actual watery quality in her eyes is blurred out, lost in the lingering damp from the shower. ] I don't want to be left again.
no subject
[It seems obvious to him, but of course it is -- he connected to no one, at any time, except for her. He has the presence of mind to recognize that, even if he doesn't understand why she feels this need to connect.
They were both lonely. But one was enough for him. She couldn't get enough of it. Was she hoping there was enough to fill the void, when even one person left? He can't begin to guess.
All he can do is look at her and struggle to find some way to comfort her. But he shares her fears, in some minuscule way. Only one person needs to leave him for him to be miserable.]
I only left because...
[How does he put this into words without actually admitting he was afraid? He can't, really -- but he doesn't want to admit it. So he doesn't use that exact phrasing.]
--I wanted to protect myself from it. From what you are trying to avoid.
no subject
And so honestly, about something so fraught.
She nods her understanding, a softness in her features. She knew that, of course. In a way. Most of what Kylo Ren does is to protect himself from some fear or another — she has deduced this about him handily even without the aid of the bond. He is a creature built of fear. Any time he surfaces, smothering Ben Solo, it is because that fear has won.
It's hard to blame him for that. But it's also not something she has to put up with. She's worth more than his fear. She has embraced that truth now. ]
But you came back.
[ That's what counts. That's what she chooses to concentrate on, just like with Finn. They had both left her, succumbed to a bone-deep fear, and they had both returned. Like she had wasted her life wishing her parents would. ]
no subject
As much as the Dark was apart of him, it didn't control him. He was determined to keep that line drawn.]
For you. Yes.
[That's a line worth drawing. If it had been anyone else, he would not have come back.]
no subject
But this is good too.
It's a soft kiss, lingering but not a solicitation. Just … content. Rejoicing in the way she feels appreciated and valued in that moment. His coming back had meant accepting her as she is, not as the thing he had incidentally twisted her into.That's a powerful thing.
When she draws back from the kiss, she slides her heel back and stops, surprised by something. She turns her head to look down and disentangles from him to pick up what is a
clear rubber mat that had been at some point pushed aside. It's probably a Jackson Pollock painting under blacklight, and she should probably wash her hands after touching it even at the edge (she won't), but here it is. A mat that would have likely done them many favors if they had just taken their time to go at it.
Her hip joints are screaming their protest. All of that effort for nothing.
For her part, Rey just laughs. None of that seems to matter much right now. It's, if anything, emblematic of their hunger for one another that they hadn't stopped to notice that it had simply been pushed aside and forgotten. ]
no subject
Its fine, actually. He's almost at a loss when she pulls back. But then she hits the mat, and Rey's laugh brings a flicker of amusement across his face. Its much a quieter display than her own, but no less genuine. But Kylo Ren also senses that if he doesn't start to move him, then they will be there all day.
And for as much as Rey wants to stay at this distance forever, he can only handle so much contact in one day. He also wants to lay down before his legs completely give out from under him. He doesn't even want to think about how he is going to feel tomorrow morning.
He reaches out briefly to make sure they hadn't obtained company while they were lingering before stepping out of the stall and extending his hand to Rey with the intention of leading her out. If their clothes weren't try, he'd just wear them wet back to his room. He could probably hide form his roommate for long enough to let the rest of the moisture escape, or something.]
wraps this? ??
That great divide will return, she's sure. She doesn't need to worry about it while it's not here. She'd rather stay present in the moment, enjoying what she is given. Perhaps that's the same starved child logic that had led her to ingest the aphrodisiacs during the feast that knight previous, but it has served her well for most of her life. Keep the good things while they're good and don't count on them being there tomorrow.
The dryer is still running when they get to it, but the timer is low, so Rey opens it up anyway and starts disentangling his clothes from hers. She relocates her useless and torn breast binding in the process and casts it aside on top of the machine. While she gets dressed some part of her brain is like repair it, repair it but the other part of her brain is like in the Headquarters you could have just walked into a shop and gotten another, it's probably fine. She'll leave it there, forgotten, when they leave.
Enjoying the good things, and all. ]