[ Couldn't implies two things: first, that he wants to, and second that he has tried. That leaves a cut. He may not have come for her with a lightsaber but in some ways this has been worse. A stark reminder of how much lies between them and how painful bridging that gap will be. It will not be the last time they hurt each other.
She thinks of Keith, and how he had the sense to admit he was bad at being with Lance. If that's the alternative she can't do it, but still she thinks maybe it's the wiser choice. Ben obviously believed as much.
He's still afraid of her. That should feel like a win because it means she is right and he does believe on some level that he can return down that path with her. But it doesn't feel like that. There's no vindication there. Just a wound splitting her chest open, making it hard to breathe.
She can't blame him for it, can she? They're both afraid of being pulled across by the other. Armed to the teeth and trying to maintain control without fully giving of themselves. That's the crack in the engine.
One of them will have to give first. She'd done it just now, throwing away her lightsaber, and it had terrified her and he could have killed her but also... look at him now. Not drained of his fury but pacified. Someone would have to throw this wall down first too. ]
You're not the only one who's afraid. [ Her voice is quiet as she says it, and she looks down at the space between them instead of up into his eyes. Some part of her is afraid that if she says this, she will find hope there. ] You remember the future those insects showed for me. I can't stop thinking about it. About if something will happen to Finn before we can stop Snoke, about if that's part of the future we saw that night.
[ She could leave it at that. But she remembers what he said about Luke, about the fact that she needed someone to talk to and he couldn't quite understand why she thought it couldn't be him. That he wasn't waiting to take joy in that pain. Let him have been telling the truth. Please. ]
After I saw you last in Perdition's Rest, something happened. The reverend rallied his followers against us. To end it, I killed him. [ A point which stands in starker contrast considering she had only just before that harangued him for killing bandits needlessly. Death should never be the first choice and she had-- ] Keith discovered later that he hadn't been in control of his actions; he had a parasite in his mind. Keith said I couldn't have known, but... [ She could have. The Force could have shown her if she had been a better study, if she had sucked it up to admit what she really wanted from Anakin. ] I still killed an innocent man, someone I should have been trying to save.
[ She gets quiet then. The next step is to articulate how all this fits together in her brain and she doesn't have that part yet. ]
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. About whether you're trying to turn me, and why it scares me. [ She looks back up at him then. ] I'm trying to trust you instead of my fear.
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She thinks of Keith, and how he had the sense to admit he was bad at being with Lance. If that's the alternative she can't do it, but still she thinks maybe it's the wiser choice. Ben obviously believed as much.
He's still afraid of her. That should feel like a win because it means she is right and he does believe on some level that he can return down that path with her. But it doesn't feel like that. There's no vindication there. Just a wound splitting her chest open, making it hard to breathe.
She can't blame him for it, can she? They're both afraid of being pulled across by the other. Armed to the teeth and trying to maintain control without fully giving of themselves. That's the crack in the engine.
One of them will have to give first. She'd done it just now, throwing away her lightsaber, and it had terrified her and he could have killed her but also... look at him now. Not drained of his fury but pacified. Someone would have to throw this wall down first too. ]
You're not the only one who's afraid. [ Her voice is quiet as she says it, and she looks down at the space between them instead of up into his eyes. Some part of her is afraid that if she says this, she will find hope there. ] You remember the future those insects showed for me. I can't stop thinking about it. About if something will happen to Finn before we can stop Snoke, about if that's part of the future we saw that night.
[ She could leave it at that. But she remembers what he said about Luke, about the fact that she needed someone to talk to and he couldn't quite understand why she thought it couldn't be him. That he wasn't waiting to take joy in that pain. Let him have been telling the truth. Please. ]
After I saw you last in Perdition's Rest, something happened. The reverend rallied his followers against us. To end it, I killed him. [ A point which stands in starker contrast considering she had only just before that harangued him for killing bandits needlessly. Death should never be the first choice and she had-- ] Keith discovered later that he hadn't been in control of his actions; he had a parasite in his mind. Keith said I couldn't have known, but... [ She could have. The Force could have shown her if she had been a better study, if she had sucked it up to admit what she really wanted from Anakin. ] I still killed an innocent man, someone I should have been trying to save.
[ She gets quiet then. The next step is to articulate how all this fits together in her brain and she doesn't have that part yet. ]
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. About whether you're trying to turn me, and why it scares me. [ She looks back up at him then. ] I'm trying to trust you instead of my fear.